Oral Congress

Grasshoppers! How the hell are ya anyway? What can we dust off the tablets today about the Herstory of blowjobs? Well, it IS now due time to bone up on those sacred butterfly wings! Real mouth fulls are a staple in, AND, out of the sexy sac! So, tell me somethin; have ya ever thought about the rich Herstorical legacy of this MOST FAMOUS form of foreplay? Even though playin the flute hasn't exactly been a topic of conversation up until (if you can believe it) a few decades ago; it HAS been a deservedly popular sex act for thousands of lifespans. Sooooo, without further ado, the bountiful Herstory of the glorious game of suckin the royal chrome off of a steel plated automobile bumper!

The first documented bagpipe appearance resurrected an ancient Egyptian God. Even though only from mythology, the first catalogued trailer hitch WAS between the Egyptian god king Osiris, AND, his Sister turned Wife, Isis. The story goes, that when Osiris was butchered and chopped up into pieces by his brother, Osiris’ Wife Isis, put his body back together, BUT, (tee hee) unfortunately couldn’t find his wee wee! Clearly thinking, as I would 'ave said, what the hell is a man without his pillar of society anyway? She crafted a makeshift dick out of clay, stuck it onto Osiris’ crotch, and blew life back into him by suckin his terra cotta cock!! Which, BTW guys, IS why amazing smoke poles take your breath away, even today grasshoppers!!! Take a look at the Pompeiians; they WERE very sexual people, right? Of course we ALL know that Pompeii IS best known as the Italian city that sunk in molten lava when Mount Vesuvius erupted in 79 AD, BUT, (notably) the ancient city WAS actually a lot saucier than you’d think. Those erotic fresco paintings that were discovered in the baths of Pompeii, depicted lesbian sex, group pushy, AND, tons and tons of horny hummers goin on! Herstorians believe the paintings WERE intended to get visitors, who would need to go through the baths to get to the city center, into the Pompeii state of mind, which (as you must know) WAS sexual and horny as a hummingbird!! There’s even an extravagant two story brothel in Pompeii called The Lupanare, that houses equally titillating erotic paintings, AND? Rumor has it, a Sacred Prostitute named Myrtis had a sign on Her door that pointed out Her specialty. Yepper peppers, slurpin the gherkin! And for those Ancient Greeks? They Love, Love, Loved givin head, too! In the times of Plato and Socrates, Sucky F***y abounded, AND, were artistically called pet names. The Grecians would enthusiastically hiked up their togas for someone to come along and turn their bob knob, AND, it WAS actually pretty common for dick, dick, dick suckin to be exchanged between two straight men. Like Daaaaa; WE ALL KNOW THIS PEOPLE!!! Some of the earliest phallic poetic references came from Ancient Greece. The great poet Archilochus wrote; "As on a straw a Thracian man or Phrygian sucks his brew, forward She stooped, working away." Or strictly speakin? She really knows how to use Her estuary!! Grasshoppers! I'm finally gettin down to the AUTHENTIC REAL DEAL of beak bliss here! There IS an entire chapter of the Kama Sutra that IS dedicated to oral sex for BOTH Sister's, AND, brother's. BUT, (like the punch of a clock) In Ancient India, fellatio WAS ritualized, AND THEN? FEMINIZED!! Like no shit Sherlock's!! Including the Queen Bee's Yoni into the sexy scenario WAS INVENTED by our Eastern culture? Yepper peppers, THE 69'er Loveaaaasss! The original Sanskrit version of the Kama Sutra even HAS an entire chapter on auparishtaka, OR, oral congress OF THE GODDESS and the god. Basically Loveaaasss, the art of suckin each other off! The chapter goes into DETAIL on eight different ways to USE YOUR KISSER, AND, some of them ARE pretty complicated, AMD, require a good amount of flexibility. Daaaaaaaaa! WHAT THE HELL HAVE I GONE BLUE IN THE FACE BEFORE WITH??? Time for Sexual Yoga people! This "word of mouth" could send you to the guillotine back in the 19th century; thanks to CERTAIN churchgoing killjoys. Any sexual act that did NOT lead to your Wife popping out babies WAS a F***IN mortal sin, AND, that included the good ol' face sittin! Soooooo, if a Woman got a little tipsy on some toilet hooch (booze was more or less frowned upon) AND got caught givin a man lingam licks, She WAS beheaded. SHIT! I would 'ave been dead at age 13! Aren’t we Doll Faces pleased as punch that those days are over? Hell ya!!!! Even in the primate species; there ARE certain male chimpanzees who lick their Female mates Jungle Yoni's (brothers...take notes here will ya!), BUT, (no doubt) that of course IS called cunnilingus in OUR sacred lifestyles right people? You better believe it, AND, it seems as much an act of healthful living, OR, a playful curtain raiser as it shows the expression of innate sexual pleasure. It's certainly NOT an act in, AND, of itself that's for sure. Animals (including US) have an INCREDIBLY rich, AND, complex sexual life, WE, specifically as humans are exquisitely unique indeed. Soooooo, as far as absorbing each others Love, Love, Love bits is concerned, at least as a sexual act unto itself? We mortals stand all alone, AND, design our own F***IN legislation, as we damn well should! Grasshoppers; there you have it! A brief Herstory of the beloved blowjob, a La La performance that HAS been through it all!